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Good feedback on my poem?
Glimpse of memory;
Pig-tailed girl with rosy cheeks
In Isles of Scilly
Smile beaming from sky
Neptune telling me to play
Dazzled girl follow
Wind tickles, calling:
Dance with pebbles to my song!
I rally them up
Lightened with delight,
Amused heart swirls around sea
Waves echo. Shh. Shh.
Broken memories;
Dark veil of Torrey Canyon.
Beauty sunk beneath.
Unexpected dash.
One encounter swept away.
Tears roll down my cheeks.
Saturn stoic face.
Neptune’s lament hung the isles.
Playful lure all gone
I think you have a nice start. This is just some constructive criticism (you don't have to take it): I would work on the grammar a bit and spelling. Also, some of you diction doesn't really cooperate with what you're trying to say. (Ex: "Neptune's lament hung the isles") Are saying Neptune regrets hanging the isles? What does it mean...it can sound pretty, but you need to add depth and some flow (i.e. what are you connecting?). I love the concept though.
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